Rain Over Wax

DEAR PROFESSOR O'TERRICK: Why does it always seem to rain right when you're in the middle of waxing your car?

A: For the same reason that the phone always rings when you're in the bathtub. It's sheer cussedness on the part of Life. I must concur with the ancient text of wisdom, the Deteriorata, which says, "You are a fluke of the universe, you have no right to be here. And whether you or not you can hear it, the universe is laughing at you behind your back ..." Or, in the words of Stephen Crane – A man said to the universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

Have a Cool Yule, Ghoul!

Popcorn Migration

DEAR PROFESSOR O'TERRICK: What property of matter allows for the movement of popcorn residue from the inside of a plastic bowl to the outside of the bowl? Also, do you think that this could someday be applied to some future form of transportation?

A: Not unless you can find some way for a giant hand to grab you and throw you. You see, my feeble friend, you puts your hand into the bowl for a mouthful of popcorn. Then you shoves a handful into your mouth. Then you puts that hand onto the outside of the bowl to hold it while you grabs for the remote with the other. Voila! the popcorn scum is now magically transferred from your hand to the outside of the bowl.

Carbon Aid (the new benefit concert)

DEAR PROFESSOR O'TERRICK: What, exactly, is carbonated water?

A: I was going to go through some rigamarole concerning automobile skeletons (car-bone-ated), but instead I will tell you the truth. Carbonated water, that bubbly component of soft drinks, is simply produced by filtering distilled water through used carbon paper – hence the dark color of colas, root beers, etc. This filtration process allows air bubbles to enter the liquid. Of course, a second microfilter is necessary to produce other soft drinks such as orange pop, etc. That's why such fruit sodas lose their "fizz" more readily, because some of the carbon-ization is already filtered out.

Happy Hour

DEAR PROFESSOR O'TERRICK: If Happy Hour is supposed to make people happy, why do they always play sad songs?

A: This is a perceptual problem on your part, my son. Here's how this illusion operates:
You arrive at your friendly local drinking establishment seeking happiness during their advertised "Happy Hour." Since you are un-Happy, you perceive the background music as sad. However, as both sound levels and blood-level alcohol levels rise concomitantly, sadness is drowned in jollity. By this time, who's paying attention to the music?
Or, to put it in Skinnerian terms, you were in need of "Happy Hour," and your perceived need interpreted various environmental stimuli in terms that resonated in synchronization with your internal assessed psychic state.
If that statement gave you a headache, go to Happy Hour and cheer up!

Fairy 'Cross the Mersey

DEAR PROFESSOR O'TERRICK: What exactly is this Tooth Fairy business? Since my kids get more for their teeth than I did as a child, why has the value of teeth continually increased?

A: The tooth fairy got her start in the business when she started paying a dime or two bits for kids' teeth at the height of the 1930s Depression – she was funded by an FDR federal program, part of the old Socialist Democrat's attempt to redistribute society's wealth.
She used the teeth in the construction of her palace in Fairyland – in the palace's windowsills, to be precise. Since the completion of her mansion circa 1975, the T.F. entered into a lucrative series of contracts with various piano manufacturers. These companies needed to find something to replace the banned use of elephant ivory for piano keys. Human teeth, when ground to powder and "formed" in gigantic presses, are the closest "authentic" solution to the problem.
With the recent boom in synthesisers, electronic keyboards, and the like, the T.F. has been doing boffo biz. So much so that she has been able to "share the wealth" in a different way than FDR's original intent. Hence the "dental inflation" you've noticed.

Weather, or Not?

DEAR PROFESSOR O'TERRICK: I’m constantly amazed when I watch the TV weathercasters. They are very seldom correct, yet they are successful. They get it wrong day after day, and are still employed. How can I get a job like this?

A: You can’t, because you are hampered by this ability to tell that a forecast was wrong. The secret here is the little-known fact that the American Meteorological Society is funded as a “black” project by the U.S. Congress. The key to success in the weather game, as in politics, is not in accuracy but in your capacity to pin the blame on unforeseen hot air.